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The risk of our children inheriting our anxiety

5/23/2017

2 Comments

 
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​I was told many things about parenting, but two thoughts are often missing. First, you’ll see time fly. Yes, time always flies, but now it eats and poops and says new words, and then poops again, gets bigger, and learns something new. Then the day is gone, and the next day ushers more novelty unlike the days before. Before becoming a father, there was a casual monotony in my everyday that made any of the last ten years seem indistinguishable. Sometimes I can’t tell if a memory belongs to 2006 or 2013. But now time is encapsulated in a small but growing body; a recall trick that reminds me exactly what year it is by association of its temporal embodiment. A good reminder that we are all creatures of time.

The second realization was how terribly easy it is to hand down our anxieties to our children. This process resembles how children are socialised to associate emotions to various situations. If I, the father, have a fear of spiders, my reaction is appropriated by my two-year old who's scanning my face to emulate a response and decipher its meaning. Though temperament will undoubtedly factor in the child’s reaction, I fear parents (or caregivers) may belittle the fact that they are the physical embodiment of their children’s sense of security - always and everywhere.
Which brings me to the subterranean anxieties: the ever-present ones that don’t need eight legs to cause our hearts to sink; the ones that hit us hard and carry with them the worst of times. These anxieties strike the core of our being and we dedicate a great deal of effort in avoiding their existence. What if I die today? Will I always feel alone? What is my potential in life? Will I be happy? These questions, these existential dilemmas, can sometimes disguise deep-rooted insecurities when left unanswered. And they too are passed on. The one I’ll focus on will follow-up on a previous discussion concerning the nature of living in the eyes of others. Let’s pretend this angst involves the need for constant validation, reassurance, and admiration to quell an emptiness within comprising, for the sake of discussion, a dread of both loneliness and meaninglessness.

Unlike spiders, this anxiety doesn’t have a material form. That’s what differentiates an anxiety from fear. When a bear is charging at you, an electric current propels you up a nearby tree – that’s fear. When you’re afraid a bear is hiding around every corner – that’s anxiety. If my anxiety coaxes me to relentlessly seek validation from others, it won’t consist of a one-off event like running up a tree. It’s an environment, an ever-present spectre that informs and guides all my actions. If this is the environment in which my child lives and grows, the consequences may be tragic indeed. By denying my child the vital parental validation they deserve – to develop a secure and confident sense of being –  by devoting myself entirely to social admiration, I may neglect providing my child the very thing (attention) I desperately seek from others. And so, the child grows to repeat the anxious cycle of living in the eyes of others as well.
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The onus is on parents/guardians to recognize their anxieties, for these become foundational in the child’s upbringing. This isn’t to say that we can overcome all our anxieties in the pursuit of a perfect home – far from it. As I’ve argued elsewhere, anxiety serves a purpose. Indeed, it constitutes a sort of by-product arising from the recognition of our existence (our mortality, limitations, etc.). It is necessary therefore to know our anxieties; understand them, confront them, make use of them as signals of important questions we may be avoiding, and above all else, learn to withstand them. If I fear loneliness and therefore spend hours online posting and sharing pictures with others of whom I esteem validation, I create an environment of which my anxiety is the architect. And my children will be raised in that environment.  My recommendation remains the same: if you are unable to deal with your anxiety, then seek help, lest you unwittingly hand down the very same anxieties you try so hard to escape.
2 Comments
Assia
2/26/2019 02:23:11 am

So true, but not always apparent to the parents. Something I try to encourage parents to see, as I know from my years of working with others, and of self anaylsis that my irriations, anxieties, fears, rational or otherwise, are absorbed into the psyche of my children. It is for me as a parent to become aware of these emotions and responses if I do not wish my child to fear and be anxious about the same situations and issues in life.
I know my daughters fear of spiders (she is now a grown woman) was triggered by my unguarded response when cleaning behind the sofa, I lifted a piece of cloth under which was quite a large spider that scuttled swifty in a panic. I wasnt particularly fearful of spiders, but not keen on them either, however I was taken by surprise and let out a squeal and shouted "run" (why I shouted that still annoys me, as it didnt make sense for me to have said that whilst both my then toddler children were in my presence). My daughter gets extremely anxious in the presence/perceived knowledge that there is a spider in her vicinity. My son on the other hand, just hates them and sends his wife to the bathroom or wherever they may be to annihilate them!

I completely agree with the fact that many parents do forego their childs needs for attention, in the pursuit of social admiration. That in itself can be construed as a form of neglect of the childs needs to be in constant pursuit of "success".

Reply
Tarek Younis
3/26/2019 04:22:15 am

Hi, thank you for your response (and sorry the delayed reply). Absolutely, that's a great example! I think it's just the challenge of life: to not necessarily just teach our children where all the dangers are, but to be a model of reflexivity and show them how to look inwards towards their own experiences. Thanks again!

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